I have decided to do a blog post about this. This is my way of journaling. Our little family received some very sad news this last week. We were expecting a baby in November 2011, I was 17weeks. However, sadly last Tuesday we learned that I had miscarried.
About two weeks ago I started spotting. My first response was to reassure myself that I was OK, I already had two great kids and that we could try again. I called the Dr. and was reassured, due to the symptoms or lack there of, that everything was probably fine. When the bleeding didn't stop and I still was not experiencing any other complications, I was put on bed rest. I was told that I could schedule an ultrasound if I wanted to, but there was really nothing else to be done. For the entire Memorial Day Weekend I lay there worrying over whether I was going to have to spend the rest of the pregnancy on bed rest, or that I would miscarry.
I kept praying that the baby would be OK, but I was not reassured. I remember once asking Heavenly Father why I was not feeling the comfort that I felt when we had a similar scare while pregnant with Jayden. I needed to feel his love, my answer was an overwhelming response from my kids. They would leave their cartoons and come lay down with me for hours while I watched something boring. Don't you want to watch your cartoons? No, I want to be with you. I got a million hugs and kisses. It was so sweet. I have not had that many kisses and cuddles from my otherwise active boys in a while. I received a blessing and was comforted by the love of my heavenly father, but the only answer to my prayers was a doubting thought that it might already be too late.
During our barbeque, in which family came to our house so I wouldn't have to leave the couch, I started feeling the cramping that should accompany a miscarriage and I knew then that we would not receive good news. I scheduled an ultrasound and we learned that the baby had stopped growing at 11weeks. It was a miscarriage. We are so blessed to have a Dr. who is LDS. He was able to talk to us not just from a physicians point of view but also from a religious point of view. It was very comforting. We were sad about our loss, but we had prepared ourselves for this news. Being up and out of the house was energizing, Realizing that I would not spend the summer on the couch helped lift my spirits. We spent that day with some of our family which also helped. I had cried a lot the past week just in worry, so it felt good to be doing something else.
However learning about a miscarriage and going through it are two different emotions. I opted to not have a D&C, but to take some medication and stay at home. In a month I will have to see if I still need the D&C. We were told that it would take 24-48 hours. Some family took the kids for the day. I told Stillman to go to work and be ready to come home at a moments notice. I had a hard time just putting the pills in my mouth, I started panicking about what I should do when it happened. I didn't think I could flush it down the toilet. I got on the internet and read some
Ensign articles. I wanted to know what Apostles said happened to these little babies. I was comforted. I was still in a panic so I started reading what others had said they did. Some buried it in the backyard, others buried it in a flower pot. I knew I couldn't do either of these. What if the plant died, I would have to go through this all again. I noticed that I missed a call from my Dr. during this time. I called Stillman not knowing what to do, He said that Gary (Dr.) had already called to check on me. Stillman called him back and before he even got the question out of his mouth Gary was telling him what he would need and that we could bring it to them. Stillman came home with some things I would need and cleaned the bathrooms for me. He brought me lunch and then went back to work. We thought that it would take longer, and Stillman was going to work a short day. I took some codeine and put on a comedy to lift my spirits. I cried when I wanted to cry and laughed when I wanted to laugh.
At about 3:00 my back started hurting so bad, I picked up the phone to ask Stillman to come home and I felt something drop. I texted Stillman to come home now. He was home faster than he has ever been able to get home. I was still in the bathroom when he got there. This experience was very emotional. We lined the container with tissue and put the baby inside. It was a baby boy. It looked exactly like an 11week baby. I scanned an image from my week by week baby book and have posted it below. Stillman felt a strong prompting to name it. He always calls our babies Stillman Jr. before they are named. We figured that was appropriate. Whatever the news that we get in the next life if we get these spirits to raise there, or if the spirit does not enter the body until a breath of life enters, at least we don't' have to call him a miscarriage the rest of our lives. Despite our grief Stillman and I were both able to be amazed at how miraculous each life is no matter how short.
Over the next few days we felt strengthened by friends and family who offered help and support. Stillman and I have also felt our relationship strengthen through this experience. We are doing really well. We don't mind talking about it. It actually really helps. When tears are offered by friends we find ourselves crying as well, but are otherwise doing well. We are now able to look forward and are planning on having more children soon. We appreciate all the help from family and friends. We truly appreciate all the hugs and condolences that we have received. I am amazed at how much our children understand. We went to Walmart the other day and went to go buy pullups for Jayden. Jayden started crying in the baby department because he wanted our baby. I assured him we would have another baby soon. He said "Okay, how about this one." and pointed to a baby stroller he thought we should buy. Alex announced loudly in a restaurant to his Aunt Deedra, that our baby was in heaven. As sad as that may seem it made me smile and laugh. A true healing moment was when my kids came into our bedroom a few mornings after. I had been missing them because they had stayed at friends houses or I was still too sore to spend time with them. Alex was snuggling and had me in stitches he was being so cute and funny. He put his fingers in Stillman's armpit and said "Stick em Up" and then tickled him until Stillman woke up. I love my kids and Husband and I am so blessed with my "Happy Fandily" as Alex calls us.
Update: I have been going all summer with high levels of HCG. The Dr. recommended that I get a shot. It would make sure that everything else that might be causing high levels come out. About 5 weeks later on Monday the 22nd of August I started having cramps. I told Stillman that it felt like I was miscarrying again. We thought this was weird because I couldn't be pregnant again. The next morning I miscarried what turned out to be a twin to the first baby. This baby did not develop correctly. It was roughly the same size, but was not recognizable as a baby. Pathology had to confirm that it was a baby.
